escape into sleep

was a terrible day today. got three really bad marks in chemistry, extended chemistry and history. i had such a good feeling when i wrote the history test. and then comes live and/or school and slaps me right into the face. i really have to grind hard for school from now on, i really don’t wanna repeat this  year. 

i thought about sending my crush a sweet good night snap (i have an 80+ snapstreak with her) but i really don’t want her to find out. i think if she found out she would think im weird. and then she would probably tell all my friends about it and if that happens, i can pretty much give up all of my friendships… but i actually miss the love of a girl, although i never experienced it before. life is strange, i think love is a need for me but why can’t i achieve it? 

i’m going to sleep now, a few hours of full relaxation from sadness and pain. tomorrow is a good day, we have sports at school where we often play basketball. but there also is a germany exam tomorrow. i hope i can finally get a good mark once again


no fun anymore


im a 16 years old boy, live in switzerland, one of the richest countries in the world, have quite a few friends, use to be a good student and i personally don’t think i am a bad looking guy. it seems like i have quite a basic life with no bigger reasons to be sad and depressed. but there’s also the other side. i never had a girl, i’ve never even been close to having one, i am quite poor because i don’t get much money from my parents, all my friends say that i am ugly and i often get bullied by them. they mean it all funny but it’s come to a point where they say it so often that i can’t just see it as a joke. they repeat it so often that i begin to believe it myself. since all that started i got worse at school, i began smoking weed quite often and my self-esteem is almost gone.    i begin to think about suicide, but i don’t think i would be able to do that. because there are also happy moments im my life. when i am playing basketball with friends or when i am so stoned that everything seems funny and good. but then i come home and think about the day. i remember all the times where someone told me that my shooting looks terrible, my clothes are shit and my face scares them. and then i often just lie in my bed and making everything worse by crying, thinking about things i could do against it but not finding any. i often don’t study for exams because i am so sad that i think: why should i learn all that shit? my life will be shitty even if i got a good mark in the test tomorrow. and then i go to school, fail the test badly and it gets worse. i sometimes ask myself if it wouldn’t be better if i just didn’t go out with friends anymore and studied for school instead. but then i still go out and have fun for a few hours. and then i get sad again.


i noticed that i might have depression a few weeks ago. i am thinking about telling it to my friends and ask them to stop talking shit about me but i would seem weird, if i did that they probably wouldn’t go out with me anymore. and i don’t want that. i just want a normal life, a bit more money, better marks and a prettier face.

but it seems impossible to a failure like me